When I was a young believer, full of self-confidence (because I didn't know any better), I often considered how I was "doing". When I looked inward, I hoped to find that I was doing good. If I came up short, I cringed and vowed to do better next time. Anxiety would grip me. Self loathing was not far behind that anxiety. I am so bad. I should know better! If I did better, I felt better about myself. If I did poorly, I felt awful. I actually thought I could change with God's "help" although in truth it was all about me.
After God pulled out of a pit of my own making, I see things much differently. Because I have looked into the fullness of His grace. I know better than to look inward to find any good. That's like going to the circus to hear Pavarotti sing. At the circus I will see dirt, smell feces, and maybe see a cool high wire act, but Luciano I will not see. It's a terrible analogy, but in the same way it is futile to look within for good!
Much to the contrary, the Lord showed me that I am only surprised because I think more highly of myself than I should. In the kindest way possible, He again pointed me to Jesus and said, "This is why Jesus came. You are a mess." Really, that was the gist of it. He showed me in such a loving way. In my own self, I am so much worse than I know. But Jesus made peace between me and God. He took my sin. He became sin. And He traded His pure, righteous standing for my impurity. The love the prompted God to make this trade off is quite beyond human comprehension! So then and there I accepted that I would always find error in my own heart.
Now, I am glad when I see my sin. But wait. I hate sin because it is death and separates me from God. But realizing that I am in the process of being transformed, I know that it is there-so I want to see it. I no longer despair about myself when I see it. I just admit to it, confess it, and see it on Jesus, my sin-bearer. I may mourn, but it is in the face of my God who receives me. It is not a mourning of despair and self frustration etc.
So I regularly quiet my heart, look into His face an say, "Search me Lord." And when it is revealed, I do not have any need to say "Yes but she did blah blah blha, whatever, yada yada", or quickly smooth it over, minimize it, or justify it. I don't have to go through mental gyrations to spruce up my hidden motives and wrong desires, or find others who are worse, whatever that means. These kinds of rationalization stem from a need to justify oneself. They are deadly because they lead to deep deception that will separate us from Him, because we are living a lie.
So now I go before the throne of mercy and grace. I live at that place now. "Lord, I need you." I confess my sin to him. I draw oh so close. I get more desperate. I become more dependent. The subtle self confidence that so easily germinates in my heart is crushed yet again. Apart from you I can do nothing God! And the best part, oh the most lovely part, is that my heart is washed in tears at His great, awesome, tender love for me. Because the one who is forgiven much, loves much. I want to love much, because He is so worthy. He is most beautiful, and I never see Him as clearly as when I am prostrate beneath that cleansing love that washes and redeems me. And in this place, all thoughts of myself are overshadowed by the light of His glorious grace.
After God pulled out of a pit of my own making, I see things much differently. Because I have looked into the fullness of His grace. I know better than to look inward to find any good. That's like going to the circus to hear Pavarotti sing. At the circus I will see dirt, smell feces, and maybe see a cool high wire act, but Luciano I will not see. It's a terrible analogy, but in the same way it is futile to look within for good!
Much to the contrary, the Lord showed me that I am only surprised because I think more highly of myself than I should. In the kindest way possible, He again pointed me to Jesus and said, "This is why Jesus came. You are a mess." Really, that was the gist of it. He showed me in such a loving way. In my own self, I am so much worse than I know. But Jesus made peace between me and God. He took my sin. He became sin. And He traded His pure, righteous standing for my impurity. The love the prompted God to make this trade off is quite beyond human comprehension! So then and there I accepted that I would always find error in my own heart.
Now, I am glad when I see my sin. But wait. I hate sin because it is death and separates me from God. But realizing that I am in the process of being transformed, I know that it is there-so I want to see it. I no longer despair about myself when I see it. I just admit to it, confess it, and see it on Jesus, my sin-bearer. I may mourn, but it is in the face of my God who receives me. It is not a mourning of despair and self frustration etc.
So I regularly quiet my heart, look into His face an say, "Search me Lord." And when it is revealed, I do not have any need to say "Yes but she did blah blah blha, whatever, yada yada", or quickly smooth it over, minimize it, or justify it. I don't have to go through mental gyrations to spruce up my hidden motives and wrong desires, or find others who are worse, whatever that means. These kinds of rationalization stem from a need to justify oneself. They are deadly because they lead to deep deception that will separate us from Him, because we are living a lie.
So now I go before the throne of mercy and grace. I live at that place now. "Lord, I need you." I confess my sin to him. I draw oh so close. I get more desperate. I become more dependent. The subtle self confidence that so easily germinates in my heart is crushed yet again. Apart from you I can do nothing God! And the best part, oh the most lovely part, is that my heart is washed in tears at His great, awesome, tender love for me. Because the one who is forgiven much, loves much. I want to love much, because He is so worthy. He is most beautiful, and I never see Him as clearly as when I am prostrate beneath that cleansing love that washes and redeems me. And in this place, all thoughts of myself are overshadowed by the light of His glorious grace.
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