I used to believe that in order to be close to God, I had to carry out my Christian duties and fulfill all of the scriptures. But this was so futile! When I became aware of being successful, I felt good about myself. In essence, God was now in debt to me for doing so "well" although I would not have admitted that consciously. If I failed, I got down on myself and vowed to try harder. O wretched man! I eventually came to the place where I could not go on like this. I was tired and gave up.
Yesterday the Lord spoke to heart about this period in my life, my backsliding. He whispered to my heart that if I had understood His love and willingness to show mercy, as many times as needed, I would never have fallen away. He showed me that I did not run to him, so HE COULD NOT GET TO ME. I did not confess immediately to Him. I did not confess to another. I did not look to Him. I hid. I beat myself up. I felt I should have done better. Oh the freedom that came when he showed me that I think more of myself and my abilities than He does.
Now, I understand that our relationship is based on His continual washing and forgiveness. Nothing else. From this place, my heart is drawn deeper and higher up into His tender loving kindness. I have mercy for others. I worship Him for his steadfast love that he showers over me daily. The eyes of my heart are being opened to see Him. And the thought of self, good self, bad self, is altogether inconsequential. I have very dim awareness of "how I am doing" because I am captured by His love, and that is freedom. We become what we behold, so lets behold Him alone.
Yesterday the Lord spoke to heart about this period in my life, my backsliding. He whispered to my heart that if I had understood His love and willingness to show mercy, as many times as needed, I would never have fallen away. He showed me that I did not run to him, so HE COULD NOT GET TO ME. I did not confess immediately to Him. I did not confess to another. I did not look to Him. I hid. I beat myself up. I felt I should have done better. Oh the freedom that came when he showed me that I think more of myself and my abilities than He does.
Now, I understand that our relationship is based on His continual washing and forgiveness. Nothing else. From this place, my heart is drawn deeper and higher up into His tender loving kindness. I have mercy for others. I worship Him for his steadfast love that he showers over me daily. The eyes of my heart are being opened to see Him. And the thought of self, good self, bad self, is altogether inconsequential. I have very dim awareness of "how I am doing" because I am captured by His love, and that is freedom. We become what we behold, so lets behold Him alone.
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