(This is the first post that I wrote on my blog, Prodigal Daughter, in 2008.)
I want to share with you my testimony. This is a story of my weakness, and God’s strength. I feel the need to get my story on paper, to have it available to others who are struggling to obey the Lord. I want to tell this story while I still have the chance, for in reality, it is not my story. This story is the story of God’s love and God’s power. I pray that it will find its way to those who need to hear it the most.
My story will not appeal to the one who feels strong in himself. He may frown upon this testimony because of the depth of my weakness. I would have felt the same way had I not fallen to the depths that I did-and discovered that it is truly by grace that I stand. The other type of individual who will not benefit from this story is the one who is not concerned about knowing God, or the one who may be seeking an excuse for his sin. But honestly, I am not concerned about the first two. Someone else may have a testimony for you, but it is not me.
My story is for the believer who feels like he is in hand to hand combat with himself and he is losing. You may wonder if you even love God because of the struggles that you have. You fear that God has quit, He has given up on you. Maybe, like me, you have become so tired fighting yourself that you have given up. Or maybe, like me, you want to come home to God, but you don’t even know where to begin. You know that you cannot do it and you are not about to attempt it. It’s a losing game. If this is you, read on. You need to hear this story!
One of the most significant events in my journey home to God was when I learned how to walk without condemnation. If I had not learned this fundamental truth, I would have never made it home. Many think that this is not possible, but faith in Christ will bring such freedom that it is possible to never, ever, feel condemned again.
Have you ever noticed that if you transpose the word “condemn”, you get “commend” (at least phonetically.) What you condemn yourself for when you fail is the thing that you will commend yourself for when you succeed. It cannot be otherwise. But you see, when you learn to walk free of condemnation, you will do neither. You will simply rest in the love of the Father, cleaving to him like a small child.
So back to the moment when I first began to walk in this truth. I had just come home from a long night of partying with a former boyfriend. You see, I had already made the turn towards home. But one thing that I learned through this journey is best summed up thus: You can take the Israelites out of Egypt, but you can’t take Egypt out of the Israelites. Only God can do that. So while I was on my long journey out of Egypt, I was full of bondage. I had waxed and polished the outside of my cup, but the inside was teeming with all types of bondage. I use this word because it best describes the state that I was in at this time. It is demeaning and frightening to lose control of yourself.
So my desires got the best of me the night before, and I called my former boyfriend. We spent the night partying and now I was sitting in my parent’s kitchen full of remorse and self-disgust. Sitting alone in the kitchen, trembling from alcohol and heavy hearted from the weight of my sin, I hung my head in despair. As I was inwardly avoiding God, vowing not to talk to him or turn to Him until I beat myself up for at least three months (that was standard), the Holy Spirit spoke to my heart: “Come to me now.” I answered him “Now? Like this? After what I just did? No way.” Again I heard, “Come to me now”. “Lord,” I pleaded, don’t you see what I just did? I haven’t even showered yet! If I come to you now you will think that I don’t care that I sinned, and I do care! I feel terrible. I know that I am bad. I will not come to you now.”
Right then, the Holy Spirit showed me a picture of Jesus on the cross. In the depths of my heart I heard him say this: “I paid such a high price to save you, and will you stand away from my gift? When you refuse to come to me, you throw away the most precious gift that I have given you-my forgiveness. Michelle, it grieves me when you don’t come near to me after you have sinned. Come to me. Come to me now. This is the only way that I can save you from your sins. You must come to me.”
Perhaps most compelling was what I felt, not what I heard. I felt the grief of the Holy Spirit. I felt him pulling me toward the cross of Christ. I saw that God was not pleased by my self-condemnation, He was grieved. So I went right then, without further hesitation. There in my kitchen, in my heart, I came to the foot of that beautiful cross. I asked the Lord to forgive me and to wash me from my sin. I asked him to restore me to righteousness, and teach me how to obey him. Like David, all that I could do was confess my sin and ask God to “…create in me a clean heart Oh God.”
That moment was the beginning of learning that because of Christ’s sacrifice, I never had to feel condemned again. I never had to beat myself up to please God. He made it clear to me that this displeased him. And my self-flagellation did nothing to make me more like Him. It only had the illusion of righteousness, but in fact, it was evil. It was a trick to drive me further from God. This step was only the beginning of learning to rest in God, but it was a first step. There would be many more to come, but He was faithful and set me as free as one who had never been bound.
Do you do that? Like me, do you tend to hide from God after you give in again to that thing that you said you would never do? And do you hide from the only one who can transform you? Maybe, as I did, you secretly believe that your self-flagellation is somehow pleasing to God. For me, I felt a little pride that I felt so awful about sinning! I secretly felt that I was just a little better than the person who seemed less guilt ridden! Then I felt condemned about feeling better than others. I was trapped in a hopeless cycle of sin, condemnation, self-justification and back to condemnation. One can only move away from God in that kind of condition.
But that day, my Heavenly Father began to lift the veil. He showed me that truly, Jesus Christ paid it all. And what is even more, now I only feel gratitude as I am crushed by the weight of his love. This grace has made my heart so tender and broken before the Lord. I can always look my failures and sin squarely in the face, and behind them, I see the broken body of Jesus who paid the price for me. God did it for love. He loves me. He loves us. He who is forgiven much, loves much. Gone is the condemnation, gone is the pride and persistent preoccupation with myself. It is perfect freedom and liberty.
What the Lord said to me that day, I say to you my friend: Go to him now. Don’t wait another minute. Go to Him. He is waiting for you with open arms. You will never be free if you do not learn to go to Him. Do you really believe? Then go to Him!
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