The Isreallites were constantly urged to remember all that God had done for them. I have been on a remembering journey lately. Tonight the Lord’s peace descended over me and I felt him leading me back to a particular memory. As I basked in the peace that filled me, I began to recall something that happened shortly after I had arrived at Regent University. It had been over a year since I had made the turn and come back to the Lord, but I was completely unable to feel his presence or sense his nearness. My heart and spirit felt dead and lifeless.
At Regent, I would constantly talk to my new friends about how I used to be very close to the Lord. I had been searching for that closeness with the Lord for over a year, only to feel a great chasm that could not be crossed. I was constantly looking back at what I had lost. Eventually a very real fear began to seize my heart. What if I had gone to far? What if I was an "apostate?" since I had "tasted of the heavenly gift" only to go back? I was increasingly convinced that I was beyond restoration. I came back to God, but God did not come back to me.
One fall morning, about two months after I had arrived in Virginia Beach, I awoke feeling very desperate. I had become utterly convinced that God had cast me off forever. Sitting on my bedside that morning, I whispered a prayer of desperation. “God, I have to hear from you! If you are in this at all, I must hear from you today." My mind searched frantically for some way that he could speak to me. Suddenly, I thought that a scripture from a stranger would be very reassuring. So I pleaded with the Lord, "Please Lord, please send someone with a scripture that speaks directly to my situation. Please Lord. I must hear from you." I was not manipulating. I was desperate.
I got dressed and went in to work at CBN where I worked as a prayer counselor, ironically. The day always began with a brief prayer service in the chapel with the other prayer counselors. Little did I know that my answer would come before 8:30 a.m. As final remarks were being said, I began reminding the Lord of my need. With a certain fierceness I began to cry out to God in my heart. “Lord“, I said as I looked at the clock hanging on the adjacent wall, “I don‘t care if it is 11:59 tonight. I will still be waiting for that word Lord. I need to hear from you.” As I was still speaking to the Lord in my heart, I felt a hand tapping on my shoulder. I froze inside. Somehow I knew that this was my answer. In anticipation I turned around to behold a large woman standing before me with open bible in hand. "Honey," she said, “I have a scripture for you." Without hesitation I flung my arms around this beautiful stranger and began crying and thanking God. Beautiful are the feet of him who brings good news! When I pulled away from her she began reading to me. “The scripture is Isaiah 43: 18-19."
"Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.“
I had never heard this passage before, but hearing it was like a healing balm on an open wound. I had hope. It also kept me during the coming months as I sought God. He was with me, but I could not perceive him at all. My heart was too hard. Prodigals who have walked closely with the Lord can have a very difficult road home, because to backslide and sin against the Lord, one must become very, very hard to the wooing and conviction of the Holy Spirit. It happens slowly, but it happens. This is a death blow to both our spirit man and our hearts. I did not know it at the time, but he was engineering a relationship that would prove pivotal in breaking my hard heart and removing the heavy veil that blinded me to His love. In the meantime I knew that He had not cast me away from him as I had feared.
But I will never forget what this woman said next. She related how she had watched me all week long and how she had been trying to give me this scripture all week. She said that she had even had her hand almost on my shoulder and the Holy Spirit said, “Not now. Not yet. "But today," she said, “He said now. Give it to her now." Had she given this scripture to me a day earlier it would not have had nearly the impact that it had. And for the Lord to be that specific and patient with me just moves me to tears all over again. He loves us so much. He does not want his little flock to fear. Even when I was unfaithful to him, he was faithful to me. He is faithful to us.
I know that some individuals struggle with the belief that God can hear their prayers when so many are suffering in the world. How sad it makes me to hear that. The suffering of humanity in no way diminishes the Lord’s tender loving care for his own! He somehow can be all things to all people, whether he is responding to the desperate plea of a prodigal child searching for her spiritual home, or the cry of a hungry child needing a physical home. He is intimately acquainted with all of our ways. He is a big God, a good God. He runs to the prodigal child when he hears his cry. When it looks like you have wandered too far to ever return, He will patiently carve out a path just for you to find your way home. He will send streams in the desert to quench your thirst so that you can drink and be satisfied. Just cry out to him. He will answer you.
At Regent, I would constantly talk to my new friends about how I used to be very close to the Lord. I had been searching for that closeness with the Lord for over a year, only to feel a great chasm that could not be crossed. I was constantly looking back at what I had lost. Eventually a very real fear began to seize my heart. What if I had gone to far? What if I was an "apostate?" since I had "tasted of the heavenly gift" only to go back? I was increasingly convinced that I was beyond restoration. I came back to God, but God did not come back to me.
One fall morning, about two months after I had arrived in Virginia Beach, I awoke feeling very desperate. I had become utterly convinced that God had cast me off forever. Sitting on my bedside that morning, I whispered a prayer of desperation. “God, I have to hear from you! If you are in this at all, I must hear from you today." My mind searched frantically for some way that he could speak to me. Suddenly, I thought that a scripture from a stranger would be very reassuring. So I pleaded with the Lord, "Please Lord, please send someone with a scripture that speaks directly to my situation. Please Lord. I must hear from you." I was not manipulating. I was desperate.
I got dressed and went in to work at CBN where I worked as a prayer counselor, ironically. The day always began with a brief prayer service in the chapel with the other prayer counselors. Little did I know that my answer would come before 8:30 a.m. As final remarks were being said, I began reminding the Lord of my need. With a certain fierceness I began to cry out to God in my heart. “Lord“, I said as I looked at the clock hanging on the adjacent wall, “I don‘t care if it is 11:59 tonight. I will still be waiting for that word Lord. I need to hear from you.” As I was still speaking to the Lord in my heart, I felt a hand tapping on my shoulder. I froze inside. Somehow I knew that this was my answer. In anticipation I turned around to behold a large woman standing before me with open bible in hand. "Honey," she said, “I have a scripture for you." Without hesitation I flung my arms around this beautiful stranger and began crying and thanking God. Beautiful are the feet of him who brings good news! When I pulled away from her she began reading to me. “The scripture is Isaiah 43: 18-19."
"Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.“
I had never heard this passage before, but hearing it was like a healing balm on an open wound. I had hope. It also kept me during the coming months as I sought God. He was with me, but I could not perceive him at all. My heart was too hard. Prodigals who have walked closely with the Lord can have a very difficult road home, because to backslide and sin against the Lord, one must become very, very hard to the wooing and conviction of the Holy Spirit. It happens slowly, but it happens. This is a death blow to both our spirit man and our hearts. I did not know it at the time, but he was engineering a relationship that would prove pivotal in breaking my hard heart and removing the heavy veil that blinded me to His love. In the meantime I knew that He had not cast me away from him as I had feared.
But I will never forget what this woman said next. She related how she had watched me all week long and how she had been trying to give me this scripture all week. She said that she had even had her hand almost on my shoulder and the Holy Spirit said, “Not now. Not yet. "But today," she said, “He said now. Give it to her now." Had she given this scripture to me a day earlier it would not have had nearly the impact that it had. And for the Lord to be that specific and patient with me just moves me to tears all over again. He loves us so much. He does not want his little flock to fear. Even when I was unfaithful to him, he was faithful to me. He is faithful to us.
I know that some individuals struggle with the belief that God can hear their prayers when so many are suffering in the world. How sad it makes me to hear that. The suffering of humanity in no way diminishes the Lord’s tender loving care for his own! He somehow can be all things to all people, whether he is responding to the desperate plea of a prodigal child searching for her spiritual home, or the cry of a hungry child needing a physical home. He is intimately acquainted with all of our ways. He is a big God, a good God. He runs to the prodigal child when he hears his cry. When it looks like you have wandered too far to ever return, He will patiently carve out a path just for you to find your way home. He will send streams in the desert to quench your thirst so that you can drink and be satisfied. Just cry out to him. He will answer you.
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